Friday, December 31, 2010

I see dead people

Happy New Year!

It's new year's eve and I am getting ready to go away on a girl's trip for my BFF's 50th birthday. Before I do though, the year will spin around to 2011-amazing!

So what's this about dead people? Well-the first one is a boss of mine who died this year of brain cancer after deteriorating in front of our eyes. I've been thinking about him a lot more lately because since I moved over to the other side of the hallway, I pass his picture many more times a day, and somehow I feel right now that he is with me. He was only 50 when he died, and he was so angry to leave his teenage boys and the life he loved. I guess making a big fuss about my friend turning 50 (I am already there) made me think about him even more. The whole experience of watching him die was of course a reminder not to take anything for granted.

The second dead person-my dad. His 80th birthday is Sunday; of course he died at 70; almost 10 years ago now. For some reason I feel his presence more than usual now; maybe because I am having a psychic reading soon, maybe because it would have been a milestone birthday, maybe... I don't know, but he is here in a big way.

I did not know the third dead person very well-in fact only a few people really knew him well, and when he killed himself it was a shock to most of us-in fact I think many people thought he was pranking them and refused to believe it. If you were on myspace in the past several years of course you know I am talking about "Crabby" Will Driscoll. Why am I thinking about him out of the blue? Well he still has a facebook profile, and lately his face appears in my "people you may know". Kinda makes you wonder; especially since I don't believe in coincidences-everything happens for a reason.

So yes-this new year's I see dead people. but I don't feel creepy or maudlin, just contemplative and even more determined to figure out just why I am on this earth.

Happy New Year-thanks for reading and I hope all your dreams and wishes come true this year.

Pictures I put together the day we found out Dave died.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

negativity begone

OK-new day, new week, and a short one at that. Time to try something new-think positive! yeah, I know, such a pollyanna-but what the hell, it can't hurt. I may have a negative force in my house with me, but that doesn't mean I can't turn my head and think up, always up. Financial ratios and work bullshit, look out, cause you are MINE

Sunday, December 26, 2010

so what now?

Still haven't decided whether this page is a graveyard for old myspace blogs to be visited in fits of nostalgia, or a real page to blog on. It's not as anonymous as I would like, but if I don't link it anywhere I guess I'm ok. Everything I write on the internet is fair game anyway, right?

Sometimes I think I'm just asking, begging to be called out as partial, as saying something inappropriate for someone with my job, cause damn it's a golden cage. but maybe I will just reserve the page for incredulity at my friends and family-but then what if they stumble on it and get really pissed? Like what do you say to someone who buys their kids everything they want, so I have no fucking idea what to get them for Christmas? And what about the people who go away for Christmas leaving their brand new grandchild behind? Yeah the kid's too young to remember, but the parents aren't. Or the fact that I'm getting a dishwasher for Christmas (well half of one, I have to pay for the other half)-yeah I know I'm a spoiled brat-whatever.

All those unsavory or snarky thoughts that used to find their way onto a myspace status-wtf to do with them now?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Working without a net Nov 10

As fear goes, I guess it's not so bad, but tomorrow I start my new job in earnest. I'm on the road with my new colleagues; stepping out of that nice safe predictable cocoon and up onto the wire.

While it's true I am now just a peon and don't have the responsibility of holding a job together, managing the work and the people as I did only weeks ago, the work is new, the people are new, so for all my bluster, I must admit to a bit of trepidation.

Maybe that's why my immune system decided to allow a cold virus to run rampant in my nasal cavities, so I have to stock up on Sudafed or risk sniffling and snuffling through the day. UGH

No, this isn't what I want or need to say, but it will have to do, since I have NO FUKING IDEA what is on the tip of my tongue. The approach of this particular Monday morning is the only thing I can think of that could have me in a tizzy. So-while the logistics of a week on the road haven't changed, and the destination is familiar, the work is brand spanking new.

Wish me luck and have a great week yourself.

Thanks for listening as always, and please don't lurk.

Clinging to the side of the wall above the abyss...

when you follow the logic, there is no "choice" about it Oct 10

Writing this in the old blog format; I hope they don't take that away too. I don't mind change, in fact I think you know I relish it most of the time, but dammit, if it ain't broke...

Anyway, enough about that; the folks at Myspace are going to do what they do; no sense getting all worked up about it. I am too tired/lazy to bother figuring it all out right now, but I am staying at least for now. I still need a place to be semi-anonymous and dump my thoughts every once in a while. Yes I did think about writing this as a note on FB too, but no, I don't think so.

You may know that my political views have done a 180 in the past couple years; well actually that is not strictly correct-I went from complete apathy to raging fiscal conservative in a very short period of time. The common sense of it all just woke me up-and we the people seem to be doing something about it, although the fight has just begun.

Although I am a fiscal conservative now, and believe in smaller (MUCH smaller) government, I am a libertarian in the sense that I don't really care what people do, as long as they are not breaking the law or infringing on my little patch of ground, and don't expect me to pay for it. This has always included abortion. In my apathy I thought that a "woman's right to choose" what she does with her body was ok with me, although I would never argue the point, because the pesky detail of the argument about when life begins always left me cold.

So I have changed my mind-or maybe I am just now willing to take a stand.

I am childless by choice; my ambivalence about being a parent is/was such that I would rather regret not having children than regret having them, and I married a man even more ambivalent about parenthood than I (me?) I've always been assiduous about using birth control, and terrified of getting pregnant-looking back I think I was terrified about having to make a decision whether to have an abortion, when somewhere deep down, I knew it was wrong. Of course my life would have been very different had I become a mother; maybe my shit would have been together a lot earlier, but certainly I wouldn't have been able to go back to college at 33 and get my degree. (sorry about all the passive voice, but I'm not going to fix it, so please bear with me.)

I do believe there is a reason that I never became a mother; something that I am supposed to do with my life that will require all the skills and experience gained so far, but I don't have a clue what that is; I am following a lazy river as always. So I don't regret my childlessness, but I do wonder about it.

Another thing about me is that even though I now consider myself a conservative, I am still an agnostic. This has not changed a bit. I understand the belief in God, and don't have any problem with it (well except when the shield of religion is used to cover a murderous and imperialistic cult of personality like Islam). However, I personally do not have an opinion about God; as an agnostic I don't know if He exists or not, so I sit on the fence in a big way.

So this problem with abortion does not come from faith, but rather, LOGIC. Yes, life does begin at conception, so while I do believe in birth control (Margaret Sanger's eugenics notwithstanding), I have to say that I really do think abortion is wrong and does kill babies. If life begins at conception, even if that life is a bundle of cells, it is wrong to snuff out that life, at any time, while in the womb or not.

Ok-so abortion is wrong-what do I say now about a "woman's right to choose"? Yes, her body is her body, so if she wants to do everything she can to prevent a pregnancy, I don't have a problem with that, but once she is pregnant, that baby is a living thing, and her body is only the steward, so I do believe she has no right to kill it.

So I've said my piece-revealed some more personal information and a controversial opinion. What do you think?

Oh and PS mulling over what font to use for my "live free or die" tattoo. May do a blog with the possibilities and ask for input-another subject you won't see on my fb page

Juan Williams wakes up Oct 10

Ok, so-some beans spilled in the last blog? Check

Phillies win and take it back home for Saturday night, so my tickets are good? Check

Time for something completely different.

You may have heard about the kerfluffle over NPR "news analyst" (their words, not mine)
Juan Williams-what he said on the O'Reilly Factor (yes, an NPRer also appears on Fox, whoda thunk it?), and what happened as a result of that opinion.


This is what he said- "Look, Bill, I'm not a bigot. You know the kind of books I've written
about the civil rights movement in this country," said Williams. "But
when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in
Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first
and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous."

If you want to see the video, here is the link.

But that is not the video I want to bring to your attention tonight

But first I have to tell you that I have seen Mr. Williams on the Factor, and he has always annoyed me, but then he normally goes through all the talking points, so of course I'm annoyed. The opinion he expressed that got him fired by the dhimmis at NPR really turned my head though; he may be a liberal, but he believes what he says, and was not going to make any bones about being worried when he sees Muslims on his plane. hello-aren't we all? if you aren't you are sleepwalking-time to wake up.

Here's the video-I love it!!!

When Bill told Juan that this was a good thing for him, I smiled big! At first Juan didn't believe it, but as usual O'Reilly went through his reasons, and they are all spot on! Williams is MUCH better off away from NPR, and even better for him (and for us)-this may be the start of his own awakening-the first step towards a gradual realization of just what NPR and their ilk are all about.

The best thing that EVER happened to him!


Here is the link to Juan Williams' column at Fox laying it out, and more-boy does he have some dirt on NPR!! Do I see a book deal in his future? Still a liberal, but he may see the light yet

Staying up too late watching Intervention, and other confessions Oct 10

Can't get this out of my head this morning-can't figure out how to get it to play automatically.

UPDATE: I must add that although I mention people on the TV show, looking back, everyone that I ever actually knew with any addiction problem had something going on behind the scenes; I may not have known it at the time.

Now play the vid and read below. Thanks

On the road again, this time as a student at a school in Arlington, VA. Control of the remote is all mine! When I am on the road I tend to watch some of my fav shows on TLC and A and E, etc, that I can't watch at home, because of course, the hubby has control of the TV. Oh I get to watch my Phillies, but other than that, it's his chicken, and that's ok.

On the road though, it's a different story. last night I stayed up way too late watching two shows that make me feel both depressed as hell and the sanest, most together person in the world, all at the same time. That would be Intervention and Hoarders-OMG! They both show people in various modes of utter despair and distress, and you know their families are at their wits end if they made a video and sent it in to the show, because of course if the magic works, their loved one will get some help, that is if said loved one is willing to be helped.

Hoarders is just incredible. I mean, I have way too many pairs of shoes, and sometimes the books pile up all over the house, and I have two sets of health and beauty items (one for the road and one for home), etc etc etc, but these people make me look like Mrs Clean and organized. Literally breaking a path through the clutter like through snowpack in the winter, they surround themselves with stuff, from accumulated memories that they can't get rid of, stuff they may need "someday", unfinished projects, and shopping sprees that made them feel better for a little while. So sad-and many times disgusting; under those piles they find rotted food, animal poop, and sometimes even dead animal, not to mention insects galore.

Intervention, on the other hand, shows folks in despair and denial, but these people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, or some combination of the two, and the show gathers their family, some of whom have enabled the behavior in a big way, to try to get the addicted one to go to treatment.

Now I must warn you, I am going to disagree with the psychology on this one and reveal my own observations and personal experiences, so if you are a strict adherent to the addiction is a disease school, you may not like what I have to say. And I have no training in psychology, so if you say I am totally unqualified to even have an opinion, well I guess you are right, but dammit I gonna say this anyway.

Every one of the people on Intervention has some kind of trauma in their past; abandonment by one or both parents, abuse by a spouse, childhood sexual abuse, etc etc etc. From where I sit it seems that the addiction (whatever it is, even including the hoarders above) helps them hide from/ameliorate temporarily the pain and/or keeps them so wasted almost all the time that they feel nothing, no pain, no joy, nothing, like chemotherapy, their self-medication can not be targeted to solve the problem and so scars everything it touches.

Now there may be people out there who abuse drugs and alcohol because they are just catching a buzz, but to me those folks are not hiding from their lives. IDK, maybe there is no fine line, but that's another blog for another day. When the impact of the substances can be seen by the outside world, there is def a problem.

So-when these people go to treatment, of course they detox their bodies from the poisons, but they also must detox their minds, and to me this is what keeps them clean. The addiction is just a symptom of something wrong deep down; this something must be resolved and the pain managed and dealt with, before the person can really stay clean, otherwise, only the symptom is treated, not the cause.

One of the women on the show last night was sexually abused as a child by a family member, and she didn't tell anyone for several years. When she did speak up, her mother didn't believe her, and from then on it was all downhill. Promiscuity, drugs, you name it, this girl did it. To get attention, to block out the pain, because the abuse taught her to see her only value as sexual.

This struck a chord with me, because you see I know about this first hand. I was sexually abused when I was 13, not by anyone in my family thank goodness, but some guy from the neighborhood. I never told my parents or anyone else until just a couple years ago when I revealed it on my other page here. What a relief to finally understand a bit about my behavior! All that time I thought that I had control over my actions and that I had started being sexually active earlier than most people because I chose to!

However, when I thought back to my experiences at the time, this man groomed me in the textbook manner, and it was almost a classic case! What I did afterwords was also classic-acting out sexually, looking for that one guy who would make me feel complete and whole, all the while ignoring on all other parts of my life. All that mattered, the only part of me that mattered, was the sexual. Luckily I was usually serially monogamous, so it wasn't too bad, but I literally ignored the rest of my life, sleepwalking and partying my way through high school.

Yes I did drugs, but it never got out of control. My drug of choice was always pot-it made everything seem rosy and everything funny. I could gloss over a lot of ugliness when I was stoned.

I find it hard to believe that it took me so long to understand this experience and my reaction to it; I was in my 40s before I realized that the abuse had led me down a certain path in my life. I was lucky because I always functioned in the world, and as I got older(in my 30s), I stepped up my game and started using my brain and skills to get ahead in the world a bit. But it wasn't until another decade had passed that I understood about my behavior.

So-do I think that my "addiction" to sex, or need for sexual validation, or pot, was a disease? No, I don't. I used all of these things to try to compensate for what had happened to me, to try to deal with the pain and maladjustment; the fact that I felt different from other girls (well yes I was different, but never knew why). This comes home to me every time I watch Intervention, and although of course I never got to the level of the people on the show (maybe that's why it took me so long to discover the causes for my behavior), I suffered a trauma, and tried to cope the best I could.

Now I'm not going to say that the abuse is to blame for all the mistakes I made in my life, but it did set me down a path...

BTW, luckily I met my husband a month before I turned 18, and once we started seeing each other, I never had sex with anyone else again, so that could be another reason it took so long to figure things out. So that part of the story has a happy ending; no it all has a happy ending, although it's not over yet. The queen of reinvention still has the stage!

So-I am exhausted and the TV is OFF; I need to keep it that way and go to bed. Well, maybe after I look at some more of the lighthouse pictures I took over the weekend. the first set of pics is up on the website HERE-please have a look if you are so inclined.

Thanks for listening, and please, if you read this, even if you don't want to comment, please leave me a kudo. I had 51 views today, and that was before this blog, and I can't remember my mixmap password, so I don't know WTH is going on.

Thanks again.

PS The book below also helped crystallize my thinking on the topic of promiscuity; the thoughts and feelings expressed by the author mirror many of my own, and many of the pages of my copy are turned down at the corners.