For some reason I am procrastinating about writing this blog. I've been thinking about what I want to say, and putting it together in my head, but somehow sitting down to write it has not come easy. Now of course you know that half of me is already in the car headed to Florida, and it's a miracle I'm getting anything done, but still, I WANT to write this, and now, before it's Saturday and I'm packing the car.
I must thank Amanda, Julie, and Jersey for inspiring me and giving me ideas. My situation and history is different, but I can relate to their thoughts and ideas about the people in their lives (can't we all?).
I have experienced a friend go full circle; that is, someone who drifted away only to come back in to my life in a very big way-my friend Pat. So my perspective is a little different, although MANY more people have drifted through my life and stayed that way.
I guess I can start with this guy I met at a church group when I was 16, fresh off my first serious boyfriend. He was from North Jersey so it was a long distance relationship from the beginning, but then he went into the Army and left for Colorado. This should have been my wake-up call; duh-maybe he wanted to get away from everything, including me, but because we didn't see each other that much, I didn't think I was part of the problem. Well, silly me, I had all these big plans to go out to Colorado to be with him after I graduated HS (what a silly little girl); of course they didn't pan out. He met and married someone out there-who knows where he is now. I realize now that I used him to give myself a reason to get up in the morning and finish high school-so I guess it was a serviceable fantasy and helped me get through the days, even though of course my heart was broken.
Clark was a big fade out, but over my life there have been many people who played a part in my day to day existence and then vanished all of sudden. I've reinvented myself so many times, as bartender, real estate agent, bank teller, thirty something student, and each of these permutations had its own cast of characters. It's a bit embarrassing to admit that I don't keep in touch with any of them, from any of my former lives. Well, that's not true, I do exchange Christmas cards with a few of them, but that's about it.
They were in my life because of a job, or school, and then they were gone. I think I've long since forgiven myself for losing track of them; it's hard to think that I wouldn't make the effort, but there it is and I can't dwell on it, I have to move on.
Some of the people who faded from my life served very specific purposes in it, as I served in their lives. When I was in my twenties I had a friend who was so fucked up that she made my life look sedate and boring in comparison. Yes I was with the same man and always went to work and made a living, but since this is the family profile I'll just say that I was self-medicating pretty consistently to blot out the pain of some traumatic events. I now realize this person must have been bi-polar, but I saw only the manic side, and the way she behaved made me feel like my life was a carton of vanilla ice cream! Of course we lost touch, but I hope she got some help and is happy now.
To close, I just want to say that not only do I believe that everyone who comes through our lives is there for a reason, but that everything in our lives happens for a reason. This may sound naive coming from an old lady like me, but I really think the perspective of the years draws me to this conclusion. I can cry and moan about wasted years, or I can learn from everything that I have done and experienced and move forward. What's that Jackson Browne line- the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems, it'd be easier sometimes to change the past.
Thanks, A.N.D., for giving me the opportunity to write this down.
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