Never been kissed-or who is that girl in the mirror Oct 08

Myspace is as slow as it can be right now, or maybe it's this damn machine-but whatever-I'm writing this anyway.

I just turned off the TV after indulging myself in some cathartic tears watching Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed (thankfully on HBO so no commercials). I really enjoyed it; not because of the acting or the silly story line about a 25 year old nerd reporter who goes undercover back to high school, but because I recognize and identify with all those HS stereotypes.

I'm getting ready to go to my 30^th HS reunion the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm thinking about it a lot. It may be because my BFF is working her fingers to the bone making sure everything goes smoothly (yes there is a committee to help with the work but SHE LIVES FOR THIS and wouldn't have it any other way), or maybe it's because I really don't want to buy any new clothes for it so will pull apart my closet when I get home to find something passable, but no, I think it might be something else.

Don't ask me why I've gone to the 20^th, 25^th, and now the 30^th reunion; it is a little strange considering HS was not the best time of my life LOL-that's the understatement of the century. I guess I went because I wanted to prove to some of those people that I was a normal, real person who could and did make a success out of her life, late blooming though it may be.

I think my motivation for attending the 30^th is a bit different, though. You see, I went from a klutzy bookish nerd who played the clarinet to a klutzy bookish wild child stoner in a complete transformation somewhere between 8^th and 9^th grade. I won't go into the reasons why, needless to say I'm still sorting out how much of it was outside my control and how much would have happened anyway, but it happened and there I was. Because I went to a large HS, I had blended in pretty easily with the bookish nerds, but when I broke out of that mold, the pendulum swung all the way over. In many ways I was unaware of what was going on because I was medicating myself pretty much non-stop, but in other ways I was hyper-aware. That hyper awareness made it all hurt so much, and I'm just now, 30 years later, understanding how to live with that awareness and focus it (LOL-maybe focus is the wrong word coming from a borderline ADD-how about channel-yes I like that much better).

So, I digress (sorry Alan-I couldn't resist). My motivation now is not to prove anything to those who mocked me or looked down on me in HS, and it's not even to prove anything to those who may mock me now. It's to show myself that I am healing and finally feel a little like a normal person who deserves to be happy and successful. So fuck those HS shitheads-you have to feel sorry for those whose HS years were the best of their lives-WTF? That's just a crying shame. In fact if a certain bitch makes another snide comment to me I will laugh in her face-yes the one with all the plastic surgery ugh. Did I tell you she collects M&M bullshit? Yes, that's what I said! I may be fucked up, but you will not find any M& M memorabilia in my house LOL.

So bring on all the HS people and memories! There are a few names on the attendees list that I'll be interested to see, and a few that I wouldn't miss if they dropped off the face of the earth, but no matter. I'm not going to the reunion for them-I'm going for ME!!! And of course to show my support to and cheer on my dear BFF, who knows me in all my fucked-upedness and still loves me. Thanks Pat, and thank you all! The cathartic tears are falling again-I'm such a sap!!!

oxoxoxoxo